Fists to Flowers

If you are struggling to see the difference between your Significant Other’s (SO for short) truth and charm, this read is a must!

You see, years ago, I was separating myself from my abusive SO. It was tough, my self esteem was deeply wounded and my emotions were fragile. The years of abuse took a huge toll on me and I was no longer able to clearly see if my SO’s words were truth or charm. That was when I was gifted this question from someone dear to my heart, they told me, every time your SO claims to have changed, ask yourself, “do their actions meet their words?”.

I realize you may have heard this question a million times in your life, but did you really hear it? IT IS POWERFUL. I claimed this question as my new strategy and practiced it immediately. Every time I heard “things will be different,” “I’ll get help,” “I’m going to change,” or the overused, “I’m so sorry,” I’d ask myself, “Do their actions meet their words?” Then, I watched. Seems easy, but actually it was super tough.

By the time I was ready to leave my SO, my gauge of what abuse looked like was completely thrown off. I minimized everything, meaning a broken window was considered an okay day compared to getting punched in the face. I knew that in order to successfully evaluate their actions, I needed a better understanding of what actions to look for. So, my therapist and I established 2 very important steps to follow:

1) A firm boundary of separation to protect myself. (This did not come easy. It took time to increase my self worth to the point where I felt strong enough to figure out what I was willing to tolerate.)

2) Heavy reliance on those in my close circle (with healthy relationships) to help me evaluate the situations as they came.

These 2 very important steps enabled me to clearly see that my SO was a textbook abuser. Meaning, like other abusers, they were manipulators who used apologetic, kind, agreeable words to alter the emotions of others, aka Emotional Hook. Some SO’s, like mine, will go as far as to alter their own actions momentarily, aka Honeymoon Period, until they have you back. This is why it’s important to always remember, real change will not appear overnight. If your SO went from fists to flowers know immediately this is manipulation and not authentic change.

I can’t emphasize this enough. It is so important to maintain realistic expectations of an abuser’s ability to change. By no means is it quick or easy and in some cases, they may never succeed. Change is hard. It requires acknowledgment, professional support, and consistency over time (we are talking years). With that said, in order to answer “Do their actions meet their words” I recommend you put into play the 2 important steps above, as well as refer to the list of actions below.

Lastly, let’s be honest, sometimes we are going to choose what suits our needs in the moment. This list is not intended for cherry picking. Don’t accept a superficial “I’m sorry” in place of “genuine remorse”. Genuine remorse is packed with deep regret and empathy. Huge difference. Definitely keep this example in mind while skimming through the list.

I recommend you sit in the reality and enormity of what you're expecting to see from the abuser. Own the ask, “Do their actions meet their words?” . Make it an everyday habit with everyone in your life, not just your SO. It will be a very powerful tool.

Actions that meet words:

1) Feeling genuine remorse

2) Setting mindful intentions

3) Altering deep rooted habits

4) Establishing firm beliefs

5) Empathetically relating to the cause and effect of their negative actions

To those in abusive relationship right now,

I understand where you’re coming from. I was you. I want you to hear me clearly. When your partner threatens you physically (meaning aggressively touching you or gesturing to harm you), it is abuse. When your partner throws words out that diminish your self esteem and force you to question your truth, it is abuse. It took me a very long time to recognize this, so don’t feel as though you’ll see it right away. Just let the idea sink in and trust your close circle to help you distinguish what abusive behavior looks like. They will guide you toward healing. They are not judging you. They love you. Chances are, they know and have been waiting to help you. Let them walk you through this. You need this more than you realize at the moment.

---